Greetings, friends, and Happy Holidays. I’m sure you’re very stressed from the holiday shopping, greeting cards, gifts, college applications, work, and here at Eschewing Obfuscation, we’d like to help you blow off a little of that stress. It is with great joy that I invite you to sit by my virtual fireside and make yourselves comfortable, as I tell you the tale of “The Middle-Aged Snowboarder and The Young Rapscallion”. A fascinating tale it is, with adventure, fantastic locations, ultra modern technology, and moderately interesting characters. So, without further ado, I present to you “The Middle-Aged Snowboarder and The Young Rapscallion” Part I.
Prologue: It was a chilly Christmas Eve on the German countryside, the stars peeking through the clouds in the wee hours of the morning. A man in his mid-40s walks down a snowy driveway to his car, the chorus of a church choir echoing in the distance. Suddenly, he finds things are not as they ought to be. His feet are no longer on the ground, in their place is his back, and there is a severe pain in his leg. Frenzy ensues, but one lone voice is heard amongst the babble. “Yep, it’s broken Lisa,” says the voice “Look how it dangles!”
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Jon is a very happy man. He works very hard, but finds the work quite enjoyable. He has a family and a lovely home, and is happily situated in his mid-40s. But a year has passed since the fateful slippery-driveay incident and our hero finds himself confronted with a difficult choice. Surgery on a broken leg has left him with more than one painful screw implanted in his leg. Ski boots are too painful for him to wear. Despairing, he realizes he has one choice: to snowboard or not participate in snow sports at all. Another figure sees the opportunity in this difficult decision. Who might this figure be? We’ll call her Sarah, a very interesting girl of fourteen years with a great deal of teenage angst and rebellion and a desperate desire to snowboard. After a great deal of begging and pleading Sarah has convinced her father Jon that snowboarding would allow him to continue his participation in snow sports without great injury to the screws in his leg. Plus, she adds, it would be a great way for them to spend time together. Jon is hooked, and signs them up for a set of three snowboarding lessons.
The three lessons pass without great incident and few marks on either party. A few thousand bruises dotted our heros but really, nothing worth remarking on. After ten years of skiing, Sarah has found great thrill in snowboarding, caring very little that her mother might never forgive her for the switch. Jon has found snowboarding quite enjoyable as well, albeit quite difficult. Sarah is overjoyed with her mastery of carving, and zooms happily down the bunny slope, narrowly missing small rocks, trees, twigs, children. Jon, on the other hand has only mastered facing up the mountain and sliding to the other side of a slope. He then stops and sits down, flipping himself over in order to flip the snowboard around, and fights his way across the slope, his back to the summit. “Belly! BELLY ! BELLY!”, he yells, desperate to remind himself he needs to keep his balance. Sarah watches bemused from the bottom of the slope, as a large figure in a red and purple parka falls face first into the snow at the center of the trail with a resounding thunk. She sits down on the snow to watch the comedy unfold. After managing to pull himself up from the snow, Jon continues his desperate efforts to descend the mountain. Sarah cackles as Jon once again falls forward, only this time, he slides-penguin like, past a group of small children. Belly, belly, belly indeed.
Will our favorite duo make it past the bunny trail? Will either sustain any major injuries? What animal might Jon look like next? Tune in next time for the exciting Part II of “The Middle-Aged Snowboarder and The Young Rapscallion”
