Mediocre English Professors 101

Dear Professor J______,
Jack Kerouac was a writer of French-Canadian descent. He was a poet as well as a novelist. He inspired a generation with his novel, On The Road. A contemporary of Allen Ginsberg, he along with a select handful of writers became known as the Beat poets. It was a literary revolution. Please brush up on important literary figures.

Thank you.

Let’s Talk About [Football Players], Baby :: Part II

Sometimes in college, your roomate dates a football player. A football player who might happen to be an upper level member of his fraternity. This football player will probably drink a great deal. When people drink copious amounts of alcohol, they tend, you know, “pass the hell out, man!” Occasionally in their girlfriend’s rooms.

Where they then proceed to snore. Really. Really. Ridiculously. Loudly. Until 5 in the morning.

Never a dull night here, nosiree.

Let’s Talk About [Football Players], Baby

Being the angry, tired, and overworked college student that I am, my need to vent is growing exponentially. (That’s right, I know what exponential growth is. Thank you Environmental Science 131 w/ Lab!)

So, I’m going to throw my liberal arts education to the wind and make some seriously offensive generalization about a seriously offensive species of man known as Football Players.

Aside from the fact that the only reason I ever went to a football game in my life was to march with the marching band at halftime, football just doesn’t make any sense to me. Give me soccer over football any day, thankyouverymuch.

So, in the footsteps of the great complainers before me (let’s say…Martin Luther), I present the following list of greivances.

1. The Sweats – I understand the need for sweatpants and sweatshirts before and after practice, I’m sure the speed at which a football player dresses and undresses in the locker room is crucial. But let’s be reasonable here: It’s 11 AM on a weekday, you don’t have practice till 4, and your game isn’t until Saturday, would it kill you to put on a nice pair of pants? Because your sweatpants have an awfully unnerving habit of, well, not covering up your underwear. And the bulky boxers and boxer briefs of a football player twice my size are not a site I care to see right before I sit down for lunch.

2. The Vernacular – Learn to string together a coherent sentence. Thank you.

3. The I.Q. – Surprisingly enough, Division III football will not lead you to great things in life.

4. The Girth – Hi. I’m short. I’m down here. Please stop stepping on me. Thanks.

A Brief Notice

My archaic ghetto printer that weighs more than my lower body takes 20 minutes to print 10 pages from Adobe. This is frustrating, and highly amusing. That is all.

Perspective on Drunks

Alcohol brings out the inner bitch thoughts in generally nice people.
Things that should never ever be said outloud (though are generally thought) are said outloud.
People are angry.

But it will all be forgotten in the morning.
“She was drunk.”

What We Do and Don’t Do

It’s 1:45 AM on Sunday morning. In the collegiate world the night is still young, and Saturday night is in full swing. This inevitably leads to the question of why I am posting at this frenetic college hour. The sad truth of the matter is I left my friends halfway towards their dorm (across campus from mine) in a very grumpy and irritable state. Less than an hour ago, we skipped out of that very same dorm with plans! Plans! We were going to meet up with a friend who would then take us to a frat party that had just opened up for we plebes at 12:30. By the time my friends had perfected their outfits, (“Can I wear classy slutty?” “Which jacket? Which jacket?” “Can I borrow your blue zip up hoodie?”) and arrived at the dorm of the person to meet, he was far too inebriated to function. By the time we had returned him to his room, and chuckled over his misfortune we wandered aimlessly with no plan. Everyone was testy.

This leads to my point: How heavily does our college life rely on alcohol? We had transformed from happy go lucky, rosy cheeked girls to sullen morose girls, finally feeling the cold of the evening around us. We aren’t willing to stay awake on a weekend if there’s no drinking involved. And by we I don’t mean anyone in particular, but the average college student as a whole.

For those of us freshman that don’t have alcohol readily accesible to us (like fraternities and sororities) we rely heavily on our older peers to guide us and take us where we need to go. I left my friends after two of them snapped at me about being tired, and the annoying thought popped into my mind -

“If you’re tired, why did you even bother going out in the first place?”

And the frightening answer was “To drink.”